Today/ the past 24 hours have been really encouraging and great. It all started last night. I had a wonderful time with one of my good friends Sarah. We laughed and laughed and laughed until my stomach hurt, I don't know about hers. We went to church together at Hillview, The Gathering. Which was really really good. I'm looking forward to going back. We enjoyed each other's company over some dinner, chicken fettuccine Alfredo to be exact at Mancino's. We continued to share life's stories with one another and laughed some more. I really love her. Haha I thank God for a friend like her. She is always so encouraging and a good listener. Genuinely cares, and speaks from the heart and not the head. But anyway, we then went to Starbucks and studied. Where I believe we both got a lot accomplished, Praise the Lord! With some intermittent chats while studying. I there got a phone call from a good friend who I have been praying about for her salvation for a year now, telling me she might be coming to visit me this weekend, this was great news!
I came home that night around 10:40 and got on Facebook, which seems to be the usual these days. Here the Lord blessed me with some great conversations as well. I got to talking to a friend of mine about church and he said he wanted to go to church but didn't have anyone to go with, so of course I offered that he could come with me and my friends anytime! And he jumped all over it. He was very excited and he himself said he would bring a buddy or two as well. I'm not sure where he is with the Lord but this is very encouraging.
Also last night I got to know another friend of mine better. We stayed up all night talking about our sin and where the Lord is taking us. We were confessing sin with one another just for the sake of getting to know each other better. This act of confession is always so humbling but a joyful moment, because it brings glory to the Lord every time. You can see the path the Lord has taken someone and how he has redeemed them and taken them out of those sins. I personally am an open book. I'm not scared to tell people my current or past sins, because the Lord is my judge, and His opinion is all I care about. So I'll tell you anything no matter how much shame I recieve. But also, I can ask you to be praying for me specifically concerning those sins.
I stayed up late talking, until 2 am actually, and then went to bed hoping I could get up for the 8 0'clock class the next morning. I had a test today after lunch, and the Lord was faithful there. Not necessarily faithful is allowing me to get a good grade on my test, but yes at the same time. Faithful in getting me through school so that I can spend the rest of my life following Him.
As many of you know I have really been working to raise support for my trip this summer. And I have to book my flight very soon and I was roughly a $1000 short. Something that many of you don't know is the situation with my dad. The Lord has been faithful in keeping me strong and patient, and keeping me from doubting concerning my support. I have not doubted that it would come, and I have been patient knowing it will. But my dad on the other hand has not been. He told me last week that he was doubting that the money would come in. This broke my heart. My dad asked me to pray for him and his doubt and I very faithfully have been doing so ever since. My prayer has been "Lord, not for me because I know you will provide, but for my father prove him wrong. Use this situation to bring glory to you, and convict him of this doubt." And when I got home after finding out what I got on my test, I got a phone call from my mother telling me that I received another check in the mail today, and it was for $1000. I can not tell you how much I am moved by my Lord. How much I love him for answering my prayer with my dad. I knew he would provide. But this was amazing, and all the glory, which is always what I wanted, went to the Lord. I was so moved, I was in tears. I was balling my eyes out because of the Love Christ has for me. I asked my mom how dad felt, and told her I had specifically been praying for him and his doubt, and I believe he is starting to have faith in this trip. I still am speechless to explain how I feel about this. Moved, and loved is all I can say. I still have $2000 more to raise, but I can now book my flight. I'm just taking it one step at a time.
After this conversation with my mom, I got on Facebook to send out some more letters to help me raise support and I had recieved a letter from a friend expressing concern for me. This meant a lot to me, that she was being genuine and really wanted to know that I was okay. She noticed that I wasn't being myself and she acted by praying for me and then asking if I was okay. Thank you, for this, you know who you are.
Shortly after this I got into another conversation with a friend. A little side note, I have been praying heavily that the Lord open my eyes, help me look and see opportunities to share the gospel with my classmates and others on campus. I know for a fact this is why I am here now. Okay so back to my story, this guy Facebook chatted me, haha, and started talking to me about my religion. Hahaha could it get any easier than that! I didn't even have to start the conversation it came to me! Anyway, I was given the opportunity to share the gospel with this guy. And I did, all the way. I can tell that his heart isn't ready. When I backed up everything with scripture he told me he didn't believe in reading the Bible or that it is true. He says he is going to heaven because he knows God loves him and he is following him, however, when I asked him the Kennedy questions, "If you died today, why would God let you into heaven?" He said he didn't know if he was going to heaven, but he would like to. He felt arrogant saying he had assurance of heaven. Anyway I started using other examples as good as I could without scripture but his heart isn't there. He believes he is saved.
However, this was really exciting for me. This is the life I want to live. I want to wake up every day, and be broken for Christ, fall in love with Christ, and share Christ. Today has been my perfect day. And the best thing is, I know that everyday is not going to be like this, and my faith and commitment to the Lord doesn't change a bit. My love for him continues to grow, despite the fact that tomorrow may be an awful day.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Acts 20:24
What I’m getting ready to say may be a shock to some of you and not so much to others. I do not want to be a nurse. Yes you read that correctly. I do not want to spend my life being a nurse.
The reason I first fell in love with the medical field as a young child was because of the way my Dad portrayed it to me. Both my parents are in the medical field so I grew up around it. It was my Dad however who really made me fall in love with taking care of people. Whenever my brothers or I had any sort of injury or ailment, my dad would always say “step into my office,” which happened to be the bathroom. We would sit up on the sink and Dad would doctor us back to health. I grew up wanting to be a doctor, because I wanted to be like my Dad. When I got into high school I became aware of the liability that followed this career and therefore I chose to become a nurse. Nurses are the eyes and ears, and hands often for the doctor. They truly take care of the patients and are there with them twenty four seven. Nurses are there for every waking need. And that is what I wanted to be for people. I wanted to live out Mathew 25:37-40 which says: “Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.”
I wanted to go into nursing because of my love for God’s people and my desire to share Christ with my patients. However, school began to be an idol in my life. I no longer was doing nursing for God but for myself. I wanted to prove something to myself and others. That I was smart and that I could successfully become an excellent nurse. I studied all the time, as many of you know this about me, and still do. I do nothing but study. I take my notes wherever I am, and I mean wherever I am. Thankfully the Lord has been very gracious to me by allowing me to succeed in school, and to also slowly reveal to me what his plan for me is.
As I continue to fall deeply in love with this Man named Jesus, a desire to give up everything and follow him grows stronger and stronger everyday. For me this would be giving up my nursing. Nursing was and unfortunately still is my life. No longer is this an obligation but a want. I WANT to give up nursing! I want nothing more than to live my life for Him each and every day sharing His love and grace with the people around this world. One of the many verses I now hold tight to is Acts 20:24 which states:
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”
I have been considering this for some time now. As more time goes by, the more this desire grows stronger. So what exactly do I want to do with my life now? I don’t really know. I have prayed that the Lord opens and closes doors for me, and that he guides me where he wants me to go. I have so many options that I could choose including seminary, missions, or ministry in a church somewhere. The World literally is at my fingertips. As many of you know I am going to South Asia this summer for ten weeks to do some work for the kingdom. I chose this trip over an extremely competitive nursing externship that I was offered. Many nurses from all over our region would kill to have this externship, and I had it in my hands. But I gave it up so that I could share Christ’s love and forgiveness with people who had never heard His name before. Countless people think that I’m stupid for doing this; including all the students in my nursing class, my parents, and even some of my friends. But I know in my heart this is right, and this is pleasing to my Father. I will not regret this decision years down the road. So why did I share these things with you? Well, for a few reasons. One reason simply being to offer encouragement. I encourage each one of you to search your heart through scripture and in prayer. Where is the Lord leading you? Where is he asking you to go? What is he asking you to give up? Are you willing? And two, a request for prayer. Would you pray for me? Getting through school, is harder now than ever before, because that desire to succeed is just not there. I will finish, and I will try with all my heart because the Lord asks me to do this in Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” So pray that I will not give into my flesh and see school as a waste of time but rather an awesome ministry opportunity. And also pray for my future, meaning this summer, and beyond. Pray that the Lord continues to grace me with patience. Patience for funds for my trip this summer, patience to wait on him to reveal to me where he wants me to go next, and even patience in relationships. I don’t want a boyfriend to just have someone there or even to receive love from, because I get all these things and more from my heavenly Father times gazillion And his love and presence is all I want and need. However, I would love for the Lord to provide a partner more so for me. Someone who will be my partner in Crime per say. Crime stoppers for Christ I will call us. I want a relationship that is beneficial to the kingdom, so that my ministry is strengthened by having this partner, not hindered. And plus depending on where the Lord takes me, it might be safer that I have someone there with me. Lastly I thank you for your friendship and prayers.
“I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands.” Psalm 119:131
The reason I first fell in love with the medical field as a young child was because of the way my Dad portrayed it to me. Both my parents are in the medical field so I grew up around it. It was my Dad however who really made me fall in love with taking care of people. Whenever my brothers or I had any sort of injury or ailment, my dad would always say “step into my office,” which happened to be the bathroom. We would sit up on the sink and Dad would doctor us back to health. I grew up wanting to be a doctor, because I wanted to be like my Dad. When I got into high school I became aware of the liability that followed this career and therefore I chose to become a nurse. Nurses are the eyes and ears, and hands often for the doctor. They truly take care of the patients and are there with them twenty four seven. Nurses are there for every waking need. And that is what I wanted to be for people. I wanted to live out Mathew 25:37-40 which says: “Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.”
I wanted to go into nursing because of my love for God’s people and my desire to share Christ with my patients. However, school began to be an idol in my life. I no longer was doing nursing for God but for myself. I wanted to prove something to myself and others. That I was smart and that I could successfully become an excellent nurse. I studied all the time, as many of you know this about me, and still do. I do nothing but study. I take my notes wherever I am, and I mean wherever I am. Thankfully the Lord has been very gracious to me by allowing me to succeed in school, and to also slowly reveal to me what his plan for me is.
As I continue to fall deeply in love with this Man named Jesus, a desire to give up everything and follow him grows stronger and stronger everyday. For me this would be giving up my nursing. Nursing was and unfortunately still is my life. No longer is this an obligation but a want. I WANT to give up nursing! I want nothing more than to live my life for Him each and every day sharing His love and grace with the people around this world. One of the many verses I now hold tight to is Acts 20:24 which states:
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”
I have been considering this for some time now. As more time goes by, the more this desire grows stronger. So what exactly do I want to do with my life now? I don’t really know. I have prayed that the Lord opens and closes doors for me, and that he guides me where he wants me to go. I have so many options that I could choose including seminary, missions, or ministry in a church somewhere. The World literally is at my fingertips. As many of you know I am going to South Asia this summer for ten weeks to do some work for the kingdom. I chose this trip over an extremely competitive nursing externship that I was offered. Many nurses from all over our region would kill to have this externship, and I had it in my hands. But I gave it up so that I could share Christ’s love and forgiveness with people who had never heard His name before. Countless people think that I’m stupid for doing this; including all the students in my nursing class, my parents, and even some of my friends. But I know in my heart this is right, and this is pleasing to my Father. I will not regret this decision years down the road. So why did I share these things with you? Well, for a few reasons. One reason simply being to offer encouragement. I encourage each one of you to search your heart through scripture and in prayer. Where is the Lord leading you? Where is he asking you to go? What is he asking you to give up? Are you willing? And two, a request for prayer. Would you pray for me? Getting through school, is harder now than ever before, because that desire to succeed is just not there. I will finish, and I will try with all my heart because the Lord asks me to do this in Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” So pray that I will not give into my flesh and see school as a waste of time but rather an awesome ministry opportunity. And also pray for my future, meaning this summer, and beyond. Pray that the Lord continues to grace me with patience. Patience for funds for my trip this summer, patience to wait on him to reveal to me where he wants me to go next, and even patience in relationships. I don’t want a boyfriend to just have someone there or even to receive love from, because I get all these things and more from my heavenly Father times gazillion And his love and presence is all I want and need. However, I would love for the Lord to provide a partner more so for me. Someone who will be my partner in Crime per say. Crime stoppers for Christ I will call us. I want a relationship that is beneficial to the kingdom, so that my ministry is strengthened by having this partner, not hindered. And plus depending on where the Lord takes me, it might be safer that I have someone there with me. Lastly I thank you for your friendship and prayers.
“I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands.” Psalm 119:131
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friends and Foes
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Psalm 13:34-45.
Sometimes is it just really hard to love people. I'm a very caring and loving person, however, when someone has really hurt me time after time after time and again and again, it gets kind of hard to love. My forgiveness is a flowing stream. So when someone continues to hurt me, my forgiveness continues, but my love seems to run dry. Is this biblical? Am I personifying Christ with this attitude? No. And I know this. And so here is my heart, my sin. I find it very hard to love people sometimes.
Recently I have found myself between a rock and a hard place. I want to be like Christ and love but I also don't want to continually be hurt. Where is the happy medium? There is a person that has really hurt me in the past and continues to do so today. If I had my way, I would never see this person again, however, its not my world, and my way is not important. I know I need to love this person, and I try, I really do. However no matter what, whenever we see each other I can always count on them saying something mean to me. The Lord has really begun to teach me how to love my enemies. I have never in my life really had enemies or people that I don't like. I love everyone genuinely. But now, I have been faced with a situation where it is very hard to love at all times. Loving this person is exhausting. It takes everything in me to hold my tongue when they say rude things, and to be nice, when they are mean. I want so badly to take the easy road out and be nasty, hateful, and downright rude back. But I know this would not be glorifying to the Lord, and so I don't. Sometimes I cry because I get so tired of having to be strong. I cry because I don't want to hurt any longer. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why can't they just be nice or not say anything to me at all? Why do I have to continue to go through this? Why can't it just finally be over? Thankfully the Lord is my strength and my comfort, and I don't have to rely on myself to get me through hard times.
However hard this time in my life may be, I know that the Lord is faithful and growing me into his likeliness each and every day. This is a life lesson that I am learning. I am learning how to love people as Christ loves them. Not because they deserve it, because they don't, non of us do, but simply because He does and he commands me to do the same. Circumstances do not need to guide my love, Christ does. In my future career, my church, my neighborhood, I am going to face persecution. And there are going to be people in my life that I really won't want to love, but I know I can. All I have to do is have my focus on the cross, and remember my life is not my own. I take up my cross daily and live for Him. Therefore I will live to bring glory to Him and love.
On top of all these things, I have awesome friends who love and care for me. Who won't leave my side, and will protect me. Thank you guys, who know who you are, for listening to me. Thank you for encouraging me and uplifting me. Thank you for sticking by my side and walking with me into the hard situations I face.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Body
Recently the Lord really has revealed to me just how important the body of Christ truly is. It is so important to surround yourself with Christian friends who can encourage you down that narrow path; friends that will not just tell you how they feel or what they think you should do, but life-partners who will tell you what the Lord says you should do, what the Word says.
I believe the body of Christ is one way the Lord protects us, comforts us, and speaks to us. Many times in my own life, the Lord has used other people to help me grow and to comfort me. Sadly a lot of people who claim to be Christians don't feel like they need to attend church. I believe that those individuals are shorting themselves from something wonderful by not taking advantage of that fellowship; that opportunity to be encouraged and to encourage others; to share life's struggles, and happy moments; to have another hand to help around the house; another set of lips to be praying for you; and simply sometimes just a set of ears to listen and sit with you.
As I began, I recently have been so blessed with this fellowship. Ever since I came to college three and a half years ago, I have been praying for a good group of Christian girl friends. I came to college in the middle of a very serious relationship and didn't really make the time to develop these relationships with girls. I always talked with my boyfriend about everything; school, food, homework, Christ, everything. I realized that it was becoming dangerous when I began to rely on him in an unhealthy way. I started to become obsessive with him. He realized this and he too began to pray for this group of close friends for me.
That relationship has ended but I have been blessed with this group of friends. And I would choose them over a boyfriend any day. God is just so amazing. I truly fall in love with him more and more everyday. I feel like the bride of Christ. He is my Everything. My Fulfillment, my Needs, my Wants, my Satisfaction, my Peace, my Joy, my Comfort, my Salvation, my Guidance, my Rock, my Provider, my Sustainer, my Hope, my Patience, my Love, my Light, my Shepard, my Protector, I could go on. What a difference these girls have made in my life. Daily I am reminded of Christ's goodness through their words, actions, and hearts. They are more to me than they realize.
And now when I see others who don't have this tight group of same sex friends as I once did not, I hurt for them. I know where they are. They, as I once did not, don't realize how much they are missing. They believe that having a bf or gf will satisfy them and that this is all they need. Oh how wrong they are! One day when they are married they will realize it's not as fulfilling as they always thought it would be, but matter of fact rather lonely at times. And in these times they are going to wish they had made time for friends. Never give up friends and take advantage of the gift of fellowship.
"A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 17:17
I believe the body of Christ is one way the Lord protects us, comforts us, and speaks to us. Many times in my own life, the Lord has used other people to help me grow and to comfort me. Sadly a lot of people who claim to be Christians don't feel like they need to attend church. I believe that those individuals are shorting themselves from something wonderful by not taking advantage of that fellowship; that opportunity to be encouraged and to encourage others; to share life's struggles, and happy moments; to have another hand to help around the house; another set of lips to be praying for you; and simply sometimes just a set of ears to listen and sit with you.
As I began, I recently have been so blessed with this fellowship. Ever since I came to college three and a half years ago, I have been praying for a good group of Christian girl friends. I came to college in the middle of a very serious relationship and didn't really make the time to develop these relationships with girls. I always talked with my boyfriend about everything; school, food, homework, Christ, everything. I realized that it was becoming dangerous when I began to rely on him in an unhealthy way. I started to become obsessive with him. He realized this and he too began to pray for this group of close friends for me.
That relationship has ended but I have been blessed with this group of friends. And I would choose them over a boyfriend any day. God is just so amazing. I truly fall in love with him more and more everyday. I feel like the bride of Christ. He is my Everything. My Fulfillment, my Needs, my Wants, my Satisfaction, my Peace, my Joy, my Comfort, my Salvation, my Guidance, my Rock, my Provider, my Sustainer, my Hope, my Patience, my Love, my Light, my Shepard, my Protector, I could go on. What a difference these girls have made in my life. Daily I am reminded of Christ's goodness through their words, actions, and hearts. They are more to me than they realize.
And now when I see others who don't have this tight group of same sex friends as I once did not, I hurt for them. I know where they are. They, as I once did not, don't realize how much they are missing. They believe that having a bf or gf will satisfy them and that this is all they need. Oh how wrong they are! One day when they are married they will realize it's not as fulfilling as they always thought it would be, but matter of fact rather lonely at times. And in these times they are going to wish they had made time for friends. Never give up friends and take advantage of the gift of fellowship.
"A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 17:17
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Expectations
Here it goes.....So recently I have become rather frustrated with boys and their expectations of relationships. Let me embellish on what I mean. Recently I met this guy at my church membership class. From what I could tell as I watched him interact with other members and our church staff, he seemed like a really nice guy. He seemed well respected from others, kind and well, very attractive. Matter of fact, I remembered seeing him in Subway all the time years ago on campus. I thought he was cute back then, and I still feel that way. He came up to me during this class and introduced himself. Through this short little conversation we found that we share a passion for dance. More than just dance, we both ballroom dance. He was beginning to teach it in Nashville, and I have been taking it for a while now, and LOVE IT! To follow through we exchanged numbers and decided that we would get together and dance. I was very excited because I love to dance so much, and I shared with him how excited I was.
The next day he calls me and we set up a time to dance. I did not feel like I was being naive in this situation, but I wasn't taking this as a date. I just wanted to dance, and with ballroom dancing you have to have a guy partner in order to dance. As we talked on the phone, I felt very comfortable talking with him, however, I am comfortable around anyone and somehow can always make them feel welcome and comfortable as well. To continue, he asked me if I wanted to meet earlier and go get food afterwards, and without thinking I said sure. I am always hungry after dancing, I work up a good appetite. Soon after I got off the phone I realized that I may have just agreed to a date. This caught me off guard, because these were not my intentions in the beginning, but was willing to follow through thinking maybe we will hit it off, besides I really wanted to dance.
The day came and we met up. Just a little side-note, turns out he is not the dancer he made me think he was. I ended up teaching him most of the dances which was alright, but not the fun time I thought I was going to have. However, we got into the car to go out to dinner, or so I thought. Instead he told me we were going to cook dinner together at his apartment. This is where I really started to feel uncomfortable because we were going to his private apartment, "on the first date." This was sweet and nice, however, I didn't really want to be on a date. My intentions were not to date this guy, but again, I followed through thinking maybe he is a great guy and someone I will really connect with. Dinner was good but the conversation was even better.
I am very dedicated to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and therefore I talk to him about everything, asking him to reveal to me His will even in the small things. So naturally I prayed about this "date" with this guy saying reveal to me what your will is in this situation. And as I expected the Lord totally did. Through a series of questions and conversation, I quickly realized this is really not someone I want to date. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I had no intentions with it going any farther. But here is where the situation gets sticky. This guy told me that he knew something was different about me and that he really liked it. Turns out, I'm the first "real christian girl" in his words, he had ever hung out with. This for me, was an awesome witness to have, and I was very excited to be blessed with the situation. We talked about my relationship with Christ, and why I was so different than other girls who called themselves Christians. He also told me that he knew I wouldn't judge him, but still really confused. As I said earlier, the Lord was very gracious in revealing to me what His will in this situation, and it was not for me and this guy to date for various reasons. He took me back to my car and said that he wanted to hang out again but didn't know how I felt. I told him that we would see how things went because I was really busy with school but I might be able to make time. He also asked if I texted or listened to voice mails and voice mails was chosen the winner. And then I got out of the car.
The very next morning I got a call from this guy, which really surprised me. It was a nice gesture wishing me good luck on my finals, however I quickly realized where his feelings were. The conversation was very short which I was fine with, and I continued on my day. Well later that afternoon I got another phone call from him, telling me a story about an experience he had teaching ballroom dancing. Again I was surprised to already have received two phone calls from him the very day after we hung out. I started to feel uncomfortable because I felt like somehow I miscommunicated myself to him. Well the next day which happens to be today he called me again! This time asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him tomorrow. Thankfully I was already running late and was still trying to get ready to go out. I told him I had class the next day which is true but didn't know what time and told him I would call him back later to let him know the details. Found out that I had class in the morning and could go to lunch with him but because I obviously realized what his intentions were with this lunch date I didn't want to go. I wrestled all day long trying to figure out how to talk with him about it. I felt the need to tell him I didn't want to date, but I wouldn't mind just hanging out and being friends.
When I had a moment alone I finally called him after putting it off all day. I was so nervous that I was going to hurt him and make him feel like I lead him on. I am quite fine with telling guys I'm not interested; I have gotten a lot of practice in over the last few months, however this time I already went on a date with him and I felt like I was obligated to spend time with him now. Well I called him and told him I wanted to be honest with him. First off he mocked me saying that I sounded like it was a chore to call him, which immediately made me feel even worse. Then I went into telling him that when I agreed to go dancing I didn't realize his intentions, however I do now. And he responded by saying he didn't know what his intentions were. So I told him what my intentions were instead. Saying that I like hanging out but I did not intend on dating him. And he all of the sudden blew. Starting saying "I threw him for a loop." I apologized genuinely and felt even more awful. He then said "you make it sound like you don't even want to hang out with me." Which of course was not the case since I started out by saying "I like hanging out with you but.... I don't want to date you." But before I could finish reminding him of that he shortly said "whatever, I'll see you at church." And hung up. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
Somehow I felt worse after the convo than I did before. Communicating with him and being honest made me feel terrible. First off, I praised my Father for continuing to show me that He didn't want me to date this guy, and Second, I was very disappointed in the guy. And this is where all my frustration boils down to. I was/am angry that this guy for not being okay with just hanging out. I feel like from the get-go he had these expectations that we were just going to start dating right off the bat and everything be fine, when we didn't know a single thing about one another except that we both danced. Again we did have very good convo and a good time with one another, but nothing promising. Expectations are very dangerous and they don't only hurt yourself but they hurt others. I was hurt because of this guy's expectations which he wasn't willing to give up easily. It's one thing to have a wonder about something, and another to expect it, and then act like a child when you don't get it. I am upset that he made me feel like I was a jerk. I hate that feeling. I am hard enough on myself, I don't need some guy telling me I am one, when really I'm not being one! And lastly and most importantly what has upset me the most is my witness. I feel like I let the Lord down and all Christian women. Glorifying Christ is and always will be my number one priority in every situation. I thought that because he noticed I was different and could tell I had Jesus, that I was making the Lord proud, but when I called him and tried to handle the situation with honesty I feel like I blew everything that I had going for the Lord. I feel like somehow I went all wrong and I did a horrendous job at handling the situation in a Christ-like manner. I hate that the "first real Christian girl" in this guy's life is now, a girl that lead him on in his eyes and someone worth hanging up on. I feel like I shamed all future Christian women in his eyes and that he will always think that all of them are like me, not worth a bit of his time. Thankfully the Lord is good, and can work all things out for His glory. Thankfully the Lord is sovereign. Guys, don't let your heart run with you to much before putting a leash on it. Pray and seek the Lord's will in your life. Don't allow yourselves to have expectations to the point where when disappointment comes you hurt those who don't deserve it.
The next day he calls me and we set up a time to dance. I did not feel like I was being naive in this situation, but I wasn't taking this as a date. I just wanted to dance, and with ballroom dancing you have to have a guy partner in order to dance. As we talked on the phone, I felt very comfortable talking with him, however, I am comfortable around anyone and somehow can always make them feel welcome and comfortable as well. To continue, he asked me if I wanted to meet earlier and go get food afterwards, and without thinking I said sure. I am always hungry after dancing, I work up a good appetite. Soon after I got off the phone I realized that I may have just agreed to a date. This caught me off guard, because these were not my intentions in the beginning, but was willing to follow through thinking maybe we will hit it off, besides I really wanted to dance.
The day came and we met up. Just a little side-note, turns out he is not the dancer he made me think he was. I ended up teaching him most of the dances which was alright, but not the fun time I thought I was going to have. However, we got into the car to go out to dinner, or so I thought. Instead he told me we were going to cook dinner together at his apartment. This is where I really started to feel uncomfortable because we were going to his private apartment, "on the first date." This was sweet and nice, however, I didn't really want to be on a date. My intentions were not to date this guy, but again, I followed through thinking maybe he is a great guy and someone I will really connect with. Dinner was good but the conversation was even better.
I am very dedicated to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and therefore I talk to him about everything, asking him to reveal to me His will even in the small things. So naturally I prayed about this "date" with this guy saying reveal to me what your will is in this situation. And as I expected the Lord totally did. Through a series of questions and conversation, I quickly realized this is really not someone I want to date. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I had no intentions with it going any farther. But here is where the situation gets sticky. This guy told me that he knew something was different about me and that he really liked it. Turns out, I'm the first "real christian girl" in his words, he had ever hung out with. This for me, was an awesome witness to have, and I was very excited to be blessed with the situation. We talked about my relationship with Christ, and why I was so different than other girls who called themselves Christians. He also told me that he knew I wouldn't judge him, but still really confused. As I said earlier, the Lord was very gracious in revealing to me what His will in this situation, and it was not for me and this guy to date for various reasons. He took me back to my car and said that he wanted to hang out again but didn't know how I felt. I told him that we would see how things went because I was really busy with school but I might be able to make time. He also asked if I texted or listened to voice mails and voice mails was chosen the winner. And then I got out of the car.
The very next morning I got a call from this guy, which really surprised me. It was a nice gesture wishing me good luck on my finals, however I quickly realized where his feelings were. The conversation was very short which I was fine with, and I continued on my day. Well later that afternoon I got another phone call from him, telling me a story about an experience he had teaching ballroom dancing. Again I was surprised to already have received two phone calls from him the very day after we hung out. I started to feel uncomfortable because I felt like somehow I miscommunicated myself to him. Well the next day which happens to be today he called me again! This time asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him tomorrow. Thankfully I was already running late and was still trying to get ready to go out. I told him I had class the next day which is true but didn't know what time and told him I would call him back later to let him know the details. Found out that I had class in the morning and could go to lunch with him but because I obviously realized what his intentions were with this lunch date I didn't want to go. I wrestled all day long trying to figure out how to talk with him about it. I felt the need to tell him I didn't want to date, but I wouldn't mind just hanging out and being friends.
When I had a moment alone I finally called him after putting it off all day. I was so nervous that I was going to hurt him and make him feel like I lead him on. I am quite fine with telling guys I'm not interested; I have gotten a lot of practice in over the last few months, however this time I already went on a date with him and I felt like I was obligated to spend time with him now. Well I called him and told him I wanted to be honest with him. First off he mocked me saying that I sounded like it was a chore to call him, which immediately made me feel even worse. Then I went into telling him that when I agreed to go dancing I didn't realize his intentions, however I do now. And he responded by saying he didn't know what his intentions were. So I told him what my intentions were instead. Saying that I like hanging out but I did not intend on dating him. And he all of the sudden blew. Starting saying "I threw him for a loop." I apologized genuinely and felt even more awful. He then said "you make it sound like you don't even want to hang out with me." Which of course was not the case since I started out by saying "I like hanging out with you but.... I don't want to date you." But before I could finish reminding him of that he shortly said "whatever, I'll see you at church." And hung up. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
Somehow I felt worse after the convo than I did before. Communicating with him and being honest made me feel terrible. First off, I praised my Father for continuing to show me that He didn't want me to date this guy, and Second, I was very disappointed in the guy. And this is where all my frustration boils down to. I was/am angry that this guy for not being okay with just hanging out. I feel like from the get-go he had these expectations that we were just going to start dating right off the bat and everything be fine, when we didn't know a single thing about one another except that we both danced. Again we did have very good convo and a good time with one another, but nothing promising. Expectations are very dangerous and they don't only hurt yourself but they hurt others. I was hurt because of this guy's expectations which he wasn't willing to give up easily. It's one thing to have a wonder about something, and another to expect it, and then act like a child when you don't get it. I am upset that he made me feel like I was a jerk. I hate that feeling. I am hard enough on myself, I don't need some guy telling me I am one, when really I'm not being one! And lastly and most importantly what has upset me the most is my witness. I feel like I let the Lord down and all Christian women. Glorifying Christ is and always will be my number one priority in every situation. I thought that because he noticed I was different and could tell I had Jesus, that I was making the Lord proud, but when I called him and tried to handle the situation with honesty I feel like I blew everything that I had going for the Lord. I feel like somehow I went all wrong and I did a horrendous job at handling the situation in a Christ-like manner. I hate that the "first real Christian girl" in this guy's life is now, a girl that lead him on in his eyes and someone worth hanging up on. I feel like I shamed all future Christian women in his eyes and that he will always think that all of them are like me, not worth a bit of his time. Thankfully the Lord is good, and can work all things out for His glory. Thankfully the Lord is sovereign. Guys, don't let your heart run with you to much before putting a leash on it. Pray and seek the Lord's will in your life. Don't allow yourselves to have expectations to the point where when disappointment comes you hurt those who don't deserve it.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
It only seems right
So I have been inspired by a few close friends to start blogging. For my first post considering it is 3 am I believe I will post the Song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John because it only seems fair to give him credit:
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad
Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows the tune she hums
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
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